Eddie Martin shares his experience with anxiety and depression

 Did you know that May is Mental Health Awareness Month? It has been observed in the United States since 1949, reaching millions of people through media, events, and screenings. So starting in May, Eddie Martin shared from his personal journal, which he kept during one of the hardest seasons of his life. It was updated daily throughout the next two months reflecting the original date of the journal entry from 2015. Our goal is that this openness and vulnerability is seen as an authentic representation of mental health. If you have a story you would like to share please send it to us. We would love to hear what you have experienced. Through this we hope to raise awareness and help individuals who may be in need.

*The following is based on a true story, however names and events have been changed to protect the privacy of others. Please note that this exhibition is to help and not hurt; if you have any concern about the following information please contact us at your earliest convenience. The following contains explicit language, be advised.

*This marks the transition from Eddie's hospital journal, to the night that his friends gave him outside the hospital.

July 10, 2015

Today we woke up for vitals, but had to line up, instead of stay in bed. This was all at 6:00AM. It was because we had a new head nurse. I took a shower at 6:30AM and got ready for the day. At 7:00AM I talked with the new head nurse, Sarah and asked when I would be getting out. She said there was something wrong with my paperwork and it wouldn't be until later. My dad got there at 10:00AM and tried getting me out for 2 hours. They eventually released me, but not until we paid my bill. Even with insurance, it still cost $2,000 because they only cover 80%. It was really upsetting and I was angry when I left. They did not treat me like a human being, but rather a test subject. Luckily all of my friends are waiting for me and I'm so excited to see them.

July 9, 2015

I woke up and went to breakfast. I had bacon, eggs, and potatoes. Also rice crispy's. After breakfast I went outside and played volleyball. After volleyball we watched "The Price Is Right" on CBS and the Game Show Network. Then we had lunch. For lunch we had chicken stir-fry and fried rice. It wasn't very good so I had rice crispy's. We had group with my case worker, Jay. We talked about anger. At 2:30PM I went and saw my parents. We talked for an hour. I started a puzzle. I worked on it all day. But all the pieces weren't there. Random people would sit and help me, but we didn't get very far. Dinner was mac 'n' cheese, fish, and pork roast. I put bacon on my mac 'n' cheese. It was bomb. After that we watched "X:Men Wolverine." Once the movie was over, Raven came and talked with me. She is pretty nice. I told her all about San Diego and my job. She asked if I had a girl friend, and I didn't know what to say. I lied and said I've never really had any serious girlfriends. She left right after that. I went and took a shower because N.A. came in for the nightly meeting. When N.A. left I went and watched "Family Guy" with the health techs. I took 6mg of Melatonin and went to bed.

July 8, 2015

Woke up to the sound of velcro at 6:00AM to have my vitals checked. I went back to sleep till about 8:00AM and then had breakfast. I had sausage, eggs, potatoes, and of course rice crispy's. We had to fill out worksheets and answer questions during group. Things like your name, your goals, and how you are feeling. After group I took a shower. I brushed my teeth and put on deodorant. I talked with the health techs about San Diego. I took a nap, and then went back to group. I feel my social worker is kind of an idiot. She doesn't do any counseling and doesn't really help me. She just starts a wildfire during group, watches it burn, then leaves. After group I met with my case worker and told him about my life. He asked about religion and I told him that at the moment I am deist. I believe in God, but I doubt He wants anything to do with me. After that I went to lunch. They had noodles with white sauce. Plus I got a bowl of rice crispy's. I felt bad for what I said about God. So I went out for a smoke break. I didn't have any cigarettes and was offered some by the nurse, but I just went back inside and didn't smoke. It seems everyone smokes here. It's like they are moving them from one addiction to another. I called my dad and he told me about the conversation he had with my case worker. I guess my dad got pretty angry and yelled at the guy. I mean I would be upset too if my son was in the hospital. The case worker came to my room and talked with me after I talked with my dad. The case worker made me sign a form saying I will not hurt myself while in the hospital. After I signed it, we talked some more. It was a good conversation and I feel I can actually make it in the real world. I think I really scared my parents. I'm sorry to have hurt them so bad. After this we played catchphrase as a group, and then went to dinner. We had hamburgers, hot dogs, and rice crispy's. I ate with the new girl Joy. She is from LA and is here for Manic Depression and detox. We talked about Xanax. She lives in a van with her boyfriend while she is in LA. After dinner we had another smoke break. It seems we aren't going outside anymore for games because it is too hot. So the only time we can leave is for a smoke break. So I go every time just to get some fresh air. I met a guy named Michael. He's 18 and gay. All the older men give him a hard time, so I told him that he could sit with me. We talked about God and how I studied religion at university. After that we watched "Modern Family". At 9:00AM we have an optional AA meeting so I left and took a shower. After that I tried reading, but couldn't so I just lay in bed. I thought about Maddy and got kind of sad, so I tried going for a walk around the hospital but wasn't allowed to go far. The health techs turned on the TV for me and I watched "Family Guy" for a couple hours. Michael came in and we talked about his childhood growing up in a foster home and going to church. It reminded me of the conversations I have had with my dad. It put me at peace and I was able to go sleep. I also took 6mg of Melatonin from the nurse before I went back to my room.

July 7, 2015

I woke up at 6:00AM to get my vitals checked. I went back to sleep and woke back up at 8:00AM for breakfast. I had an egg, cheese and ham sandwich. I also had some hashbrowns and rice crispy's. After breakfast we went outside and played volleyball as a group. It was super hot outside so I took a shower afterwards. It felt great. We had lunch and I ate french fries, asparagus, and a tuna melt. I didn't finish the tuna melt because it sucked. Later we had group and then visitation from 2:30-3:30PM. I saw my mom and dad. They looked good. They brought me some clothes and I was able to change. I saw the psychiatrist and he decided I should stop taking all medications and see what happens. For dinner we had potatoes and turkey, and rice crispy's. I feel I am going to have rice crispy's at every meal. I saw another doctor after dinner and she said I was very healthy; "You are a soccer all-star!". Then I took another nap. When I woke up I called my parents and was able to get the other stuff they dropped off for me. I got some of my favorite books and this new notebook. I'm so glad to have them. Tomorrow I will write the similarities between this hospital and prison. Also the similarities being a camp counselor and being admitted. Also how it's just like my life with my parents. I thought it would be different here, but it is pretty much the same.

July 6, 2015

I went to the hospital at 7:30PM on Monday night. I saw the doctor. He was a taller, fat, bald man. He asked me basic stupid questions like, how are you? Are you ok? I didn't know how to answer him. He put me on a hold, and I had to wait till 12:30AM to be transported to a mental health facility. I had the coolest transport team, the guys and I talked about craft beer and our craziest drunk stories. I got to the facility at 2AM. It took me an hour to be processed. They strip searched me and cut out all the strings in my shorts and shoes. I took 50mg of Wellbutrin and feel asleep around 3:30AM.

*This marks the transition from Eddie's home journal, to the journal his parents brought him in the hospital.

July 6, 2015

This morning started like any other. I ate breakfast, took a shower, and got ready. But afterwards I looked at my journal and read every entry line by line. I spent hours reading and re-reading it. And I have decided I still want to take my life. I am not sure if this is a suicide note, but it sure feels like one. I'm going to call Maddy and see is she picks up. It is 1:53PM. She did not pick up. I don't know what to do. The idea of a noose and hanging myself is an option, but I'm not really sure how to tie a noose. And I don't want my mom to find me dead because I'm pretty sure she would kill herself too. Well it's now 2:00PM and my dad just got home.

July 5, 2015

I went to church and took a Xanax before service. It helped a lot. I didn't care for the message but I tried to be listen anyways. After that I watched the USWNT win the World Cup with my dad. I had to take another Xanax so I could relax. Then for dinner we had Taco Bell and watched celebrity family feud and battle bots, just like we did during my childhood. I wish more people would text me and talk to me. I love my family and watching TV but I would prefer spending some time with my friends as well. I wish I didn't care about other people so much and I could turn off my emotions. I'm so exhausted.

July 4, 2015

My parents and I went to the 51's minor league baseball game and got a lot of free stuff. It was pretty cool. I liked the game. I called Maddy during the game and she didn't pick up. I'm starting to realize she wants nothing to do with me. After the game there were fireworks. It was good. Overall a good day.

July 3, 2015

I had my first full suicidal thought while on my antidepressants. It took just one week. It was nice to have peace and quiet in my head for a week, but it seems all good things must come to an end. Let's just hope this is a one time deal and not something usual.

July 2, 2015

I got my blood work done today. I also wrote some songs. I doubt they are any good. My antidepressants aren't helping and I just want to sleep. My life is constantly falling apart. Fuck everything.

June 30, 2015

I wonder if Maddy thinks about me? I wonder if she has kept the things I have given her? I wonder if they remind me of her? I wonder if they make her think happy or sad or even mad thoughts? I wonder when I'll able to talk to another woman? I wonder if I'll ever be able to love again? I wonder if I can ever forget her? I wonder. I wonder a lot. I haven't really wondered since I started taking my anti depressants. I feel like they are not as powerful as they were a week ago and my body is getting used to them. I can feel pain again. I can think again. I can wonder.

June 29, 2015

I wish I could slow dance with Maddy and start practicing for our first dance that was in two weeks, but we never even picked a song. I wanted something classic like Billie Holiday or Claude Debussy, and she wanted something contemporary like Sleeping at Last or Seahaven. I should have just listened to her, it wasn't that big of deal. And now it doesn't matter.

June 28, 2015

David, Cory and Jessica came to visit today. We went to the Strip and had the all-you-can-eat buffet at Cesar's Palace. I had 4 full plates of food. I couldn't stop eating. Afterwards we walked around and went shopping. It was great seeing my friends again. I'm glad I am moving back to San Diego.

June 25, 2015

I was able to sleep really good last night. I feel asleep within 15 minutes of taking the medication and woke up 8.5 hours later. I was very disoriented and confused. But after a few minutes I was back to normal. I felt good throughout the day. I sang aloud a lot and finished writing three songs I was working on. I went to Saint George, Utah with my parents because I'm not allowed to be by myself. We went to Chick-fil-A and it was super good. Then I watched the nba draft. I got a little sad during it but felt ok after a few minutes. I hope Maddy knows that I care for her. I just really want to talk to the person that I love the most.

June 24, 2015

I finished cleaning out the back house and afterwards wanted to hang myself from the rafters and commit suicide. I listened to all of Maddy's voice messages on my phone to try and cheer myself up but it didn't really work.  I told my dad and he took me to the doctors. I was prescribed an anti depressant (Trazodone) and an anti anxiety medication (Xanax) for clinical depression. I took both of them before I went to bed at 10 o'clock. I guess we will see how they work.
 

June 23, 2015

I totally demolished the inside of the back house on my parent's property and started cleaning it out. I want to work and finish the house for Maddy like we originally planned.

June 22, 2015

I called and got the job. I also got my computer working again and it seems to be fine. I formally accepted my offer for grad school at my alma mater; to celebrate we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and watched the World Cup game. I enjoyed the game and the food. It reminded me of a date Maddy and I went on when we first started dating. I wonder if she still thinks of me? I would really like to talk to her, but I know she doesn't want to. Maybe one day we will be able to talk again.

June 21, 2015

I decided to quit working at my dad's church and move back in with my grandma. I'm going to call my old boss tomorrow and see if I can get my job back. I slept pretty much all day.

June 20, 2015

We went to the movies and saw Jurassic World. I cried during the trailer for the Last Martian. We went to yard house afterwards. Then we went home. I went on a walk at 4:45 and called Maddy. She didn't pick up. I prayed God would take me to heaven right then and there. I prayed that I could be with my grandpa. He didn't answer me and as you can see I'm still here on this stupid planet without my grandfather. I talked to my brother and told him I don't believe in God anymore. He tried to do his best and talk with me but I could tell he was hurt. My parents almost took me to the hospital tonight so that I would be on suicide watch. But I told them it's dumb and costs too much money. They might as well spend 2,000 dollars on something else. They watched me all night and gave me some over the counter sleeping pills.

June 18, 2015

It's been a week since I wrote in my journal. I would like to think I didn't need it anymore, but that's not the case. Today in therapy we talked about my "quiet place". It's a mix of west cliff and 38th on east cliff in Santa Cruz. It's night time and I'm wearing black vans, dark blue jeans, gray zip up and a beanie. The tide is strong and I'm sitting there; I'm alone. I can see the succulents and wooden railing in the moonlight. After that we talked about how I was ready for marriage in all ways and Maddy probably wasn't. It sucks to know that. I now watch everybody loves Raymond as a vice to control my grief. I'm hungry. I'm sorry. That was random. But I just work in stream of consciousness. Whatever I think. I write. I'm tired of writing now though, so good night.

June 11, 2015

I felt pretty accomplished by finishing the third part of the new believer's curriculum I have been creating. But then I saw Maddy post a picture from the place where we got engaged. How could she go there and not think of me? She was even wearing shoes I got her and one of my shirts. I am so fucking pissed. I don't understand how she doesn't feel anything towards me. I would have never guessed this is where we would be a month before our weeding. I thought I was doing ok now, but once again I'm back where I started.

June 10, 2015

I really hate social media. It makes people think that you care when actually it doesn't mean shit. It makes me so mad My mom fucking cries everyday because of how sad she is. I'm just so over this. I cry everyday and ask God to take away my pain. Is he listening? I wish I had better friends. It's not like I'm going to call them and tell them I'm depressed. I would have thought deleting all my social media would have been a sign everything isn't ok. But I guess not. The only one that talks to me is Cory. He's a good friend.

June 9, 2015

I worked on curriculum for the new believer's class at our church. I hope it makes sense and that anyone can teach it when I am done. I watched the NBA Finals with my mom. The game was pretty exciting. Also the book I bought Maddy finally arrived today. She hasn't mentioned anything yet, we'll see if she ever does. Nobody texted me today. I would like to have more friends and be able to talk to them freely but it seems like no one wants to talk to me. I really wish I had some friends out here. I just want to be able to watch sports and drink a beer.

June 8, 2015

I went to therapy today. I was honest with my counselor and told her everything that was happening. She said I might be viewing life with gray colored glasses and should focus on the good things like my relationship with Cory. But she also said I should start thinking of happy place before I go to sleep. Lastly she said I might need to go on a low level antidepressant. I don't want to go on one, but we'll see what happens. Other than that the day was pretty slow. I didn't really talk to anybody.

June 7, 2015

I walked home from church today. I sent David more money for rent and now I have no money. I deleted Twitter and Facebook and took Instagram off too. I am trying to not be on social media but it still isn't working. I had a better day today but it still sucked. I didn't really text anybody until later at night. The Warriors game helped. For about an hour I forgot everything. I was just enjoying the game. But then after the game everything came back and I remembered how lonely I am.

June 6, 2015

Maddy called me at a friend's house and told me she didn't love me in a romantic way anymore. She encouraged me to move on and stop living in the past. But for whatever reason she was being so mean to me. I think it is because she wants me to stop calling her. She didn't want to talk about suicide or the reason why she changed her mind about the engagement or the reason why she doesn't love me anymore. After the call I yelled at my dad and we got in a fight. I tried drowning myself in the shower tonight but I found out it's pretty much impossible. My dad said I need to talk to a counselor and maybe start taking antidepressants.

June 5, 2015

I shaved my hair off after driving to Ross and buying clippers. I probably shouldn't drive anymore. I was pretty reckless and constantly thought of dying. No one commented on my hair even though I posted it on every social media. I wish I had a friend to talk to. I'm very lonely. I tried taking my daily nap but I couldn't fall asleep. It kind of sucked. I wish Maddy would talk to me. I talked to her every day for a year and a half and now we never talk. It feels like she died. I would like someone besides my parents to show me love. No body knows how to love me and it really sucks. I feel the reason why is because of my depression but then I also feel that it shouldn't matter that much. Anyways I'm tired of writing. I'm tired of everything. I'm just tired in general.

June 4, 2015

I wanted to shave my head but I couldn't find any clippers. I also went into the garage to look for the clippers and saw a lot of things that I could use to kill myself. After that I called Maddy because it had been 3 days since we talked and we had agreed to talk every 3 days but she didn't pick up because she was at work. She texted me late at night and said it probably wasn't a good idea to text every 3 days. I started crying. This fucking sucks. I want to hate her. I want to forget her. I want to erase everything and just go back to not knowing love. My stomach hurts so bad. I feel sick all the time. I want to sleep forever.

June 3, 2015

I have forgotten everything. I barely know how to talk to people. I tried talking to old friends and I feel like an idiot. I have been trying to stay off social media but I don't see the point. I have no idea how to text or talk on the phone. I didn't want to be awake anymore so I took a two hour nap to past the time. I wish I could watch cartoons and smoke weed all day like in high school. It least back then I didn't have anxiety and worry so much. My stomach has hurt for the past 3 weeks and my chest has burned for over a month. I just want to sleep and eat like normal. I want everything to go back to normal. But what is normal now?

June 2, 2015

I texted Talia and talked to her throughout the day. You could definitely tell she only wants to be friends which is ok with me because I'm super confused on what I want in life.

June 1, 2015

Maddy told me she doesn't see a future for us anymore. She wouldn't talk to me about it and after our talk she started deleting things off social media. I really considered suicide for the first time in forever.

May 31, 2015

We cleaned up the wedding venue and then went to grandma's house.

May 30, 2015

Well Cory and Jessica got married. I gave a speech. I became friends with Talia again. I had a sleep over with David, Dawn and Laura.

May 29, 2015

We had the rehearsal dinner.

May 28, 2015

My dad and I drove to Lake Tahoe for my best friend's wedding. I talked with one of my ex girlfriend's Talia at the wedding party get together. She was really nice. I made sure to go get wood for the fire whenever I could so I would stay busy. I prayed a lot so I wouldn't cry.

May 27, 2015

I finished the book Maddy and I were reading together. I called her to see if she had finished the book yet, but we just got into a fight instead.

May 25, 2015

I quit my job at the grocery store. I told my manager I didn't need the extra money any more because I'm not getting married now.

May 24, 2015

Today was the first day ever since we started dating she didn't text me.

May 22, 2015

I went to training yesterday and it sucked. Today I had work at 6AM. I worked 8 hours straight without a break.

May 20,2015

Maddy and I decided to break up all together. She said she still wants to be friends though.

May 19, 2015

Maddy said she really wants to see me more and go on actual dates. We try and brain storm some ideas. I think I will go to LA again soon, so I can see her.

May 18, 2015

I sent a letter to everyone that the wedding was called off. It said: "Dear family and friends, we regret to inform you the wedding of Edward Martin III and Magdalena Urena is indefinitely postponed. We are truly sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused and want to thank everyone who partnered with us throughout this journey. We ask that you respect the privacy of the parties involved and know that this decision was not made hastily, but rather with care and thoughtfulness."

May 16, 2015

I called all my groomsmen and told them the wedding was canceled.

May 14, 2015

We had dinner and then coffee. I asked her to commit to me and she couldn't. I tried to break up with her, but then she stopped me and said she was willing to commit and be my girlfriend.

May 13, 2015

I drove to LA and we talked. We sat on the curb outside her house for a while until I ran to my car and cried my eyes out. I came back and we talked in her room. We decided to postpone the engagement.

May 12, 2015

Maddy called and said she wanted to postpone the wedding.