I have had a lot of people ask me how I am doing recently. When I received the first call from a fellow pastor I am friends with in the San Diego area, I laughed. But when I got the third and fourth set of text messages from friends and family, I asked myself, "How am I doing?".
I tried to answer the question but I was not ready. So instead I tried to spend time with those said friends and family and show them I am ok; they do not need to worry. After about two or three weeks, and one of the weeks being a high school summer camp that I helped lead with our student ministry director, I realized I was not ok.
I was tired. I was exhausted and it showed while we were on the houseboat trip at Lake Mead. I had to see the nurse the first two days because I kept feeling light headed and cramping up, but that is not the worst part. I did not connect with God until the last night. It was not until I started doubting my own ability to care for myself, as well as my depression, that I was able to work through some things that were holding me back. I needed to accept certain truths I had never believed before.
Even though I was not ok, it was ok. I was given that advice from two people that are complete opposites. One was a former partner. We did not date long, but during our time together we were honest and true. She reached out to me and said what she needed to say. The other was a person I did not know before he shared this advice with me. I met him at a party and he walked me through the steps of cognitive behavioral therapy in his room while drinking a bottle of whisky. Both shared their advice out of love, and even though I do not agree with everything they said, I still appreciate that they took the time out of their day to demonstrate the simple fact, I have value and am cared for by them, and by God. I still have a lot of work to do, but I do not have to do it alone. I am called to be apart of authentic community, so that is my goal, that is my desire; to create a collective community rooted in the personal and shared experiences of like minded individuals, who are sent on mission to partner with their God, the creator, savior, and empowerer of all creation.
- TC
P.S. I am going to be ok.
P.S.S. I wrote a song during all this. Here it is.